The Royal Privateer Code of Conduct

Every Privateer shall have an equal voice in momentous affaires of the moment. He/She shall have an equal Share to fresh provisions, fancy duds and strong viscous liquors at any time seized, and shall use them at their pleasure unless a scarcity makes it necessary for the common good that a rationing be voted. All prizes (ie: BOOTY) seized shall be held in account till such time as the Court of Admiralty may make judgment as to the portion dedicated to the use of the Crown. The Captain shall have a Double Share in all prizes; the Quartermaster, Ships Carpenter, Boson & Master Gunner shall have a Share and a Half. All other notable persons of fortune and other sea scum are entitled to an equal Share each.

Every Privateer, be they bloke or wench, shall obey civil command; if the command is un-civil, then the expected response is "Suck my bilge." (Unless, of course, the command is issued at gun or sword point, in which case, use your best discretion…).

If any Privateer shall offer to; hide, retreat, bugger off or do their "Chicken of the Sea" impression, or keep any particularly important or saucy Secret from the Company or, most importantly, ditch o­n their share of the tavern bill, shall be Marooned with o­ne horn of powder, o­ne flask of skunked grog or un-sweetened tea, o­ne dagger, a musket and shot. Or, insufficient cab fare after Last Call.

If any Privateer shall "permanently borrow" any Thing (with the notable exception of an ugly or odorous bedmate… ) in the Company, or cheat at dice, cards or Scrabble*, to the value of a Piece of Eight, he/she shall be marooned or shot out of a cannon at the Governor of Jamaica's plantation. Or, they will be forced to keep an ugly/odiferous bedmate and denied beer goggles for o­ne month. *None shall game for money, nor trading cards, Pogs, or Hummels. Naughty Favors are acceptable, so long as no o­ne o­n deck can see it.

The Privateer that shall be fool enough to fire his arms, or smoke Tobacco/pipeweed/crack in the Powder Hold or Armory without a cap to his/her pipe, or carry a lighted candle without a lantern, shall suffer the same punishment as listed above. That is, if the ship hasn't been blown to kingdom come as a result first.

The Privateer that shall not keep his/her Arms clean and fit for a boarding party or other anti-social Engagement, or neglect his/her Business or duties, shall be cut off from his/her Share and suffer such other punishment as the Captain and the Company shall think fit in a drunken stupor. This goes for dirty dishes in the galley and sour laundry as well.

That Privateer that shall strike another to wound or dislodge dental works whilst these Articles of Conduct are in force aboard ship, shall receive Mosers Law (that is, bathed in mango juice and staked over an ant hill from dawn till dusk) If the Privateer is female, substitute the ants for midgets with scurvy and run the punishment till the first signs of derma-abrasion or severe tongue sprain. (note: tickets may be sold to offset the medical costs of the victim… unless they deserved it, in which case, please disregard.) If a quarrel need be resolved, it can be ended o­n shore by pistol, sword or Trivial Pursuit: The Pirate Edition, in this manner: at the command of the Quartermaster, each Privateer being previously placed back to back (an unfamiliar position for some…), shall turn and fire immediately. If o­ne or the other do not, the Quartermaster shall knock the piece from their hand, smack them upside the head with a halibut and berate them soundly for being a wussy. If BOTH fire and miss their aim, they shall take up their swords or card stacks and the first o­ne to draw first blood shall be declared the victor/victoria.

If any Privateer should lose a Joint (Note: hand or foot, NOT SPLIF or BLUNT) at the time of an Engagement or other disagreement with an enemy vessel, he/she shall have 400 pieces of Eight; if a whole limb, 800. If a re-productive organ, 1000 and a free ticket to audition for the Vienna Boys Choir. If a noggin, well… it depends if the loss is an improvement or not.

If at any time a Privateer meets with a Prudent Woman (ie: a NICE GIRL), that Man that offers to meddle, fiddle, fuddle, wriggle, squiggle or boink with her against her consent, shall suffer present Death (ie: Marriage). If, at any time, should a female Privateer make the acquaintance of a Prudent Man, please notify an anthropologist or historian immediately.

The Ships Minstrels shall have rest o­n the Sabbath Day o­nly by Right; o­n all other days, they must rock the joint, get o­n down, and otherwise be generally funky, resting by favor o­nly. Every Privateer that can shall sing in key, or failing that, learns to drum in rhythm. Failing THAT, they may smile & nod spasmodically like the fruit bat that they are.

God (or Goddess) Save the Crown! We just make collections...